Sunday, November 28, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists. Groucho Marx was a master at these - like this one: "I once shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in there, I'll never know." I hope you enjoy these! ;-)
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".?!
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive again.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
I'll see if I can scare up some more...I LOVE these!!! ;-)
Have A Great Day!
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
She works all day and was always tired when she came home from work and thought that a riding lawn mower would help her get the yard work done quicker so she would have more time for the chores inside the house.
SO, being the handy sort of guy that I am, I made her a riding lawn mower.
I guess I thought she would squeal with delight or something and give me a big hug.
To this day I have never been able to understand
why some women are so hard to please ......
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Oakland Raiders The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Oakland !!
I hope you enjoyed this.....
Have a Great Day!
Saturday, July 17, 2010
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blond girl.
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blond woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blond and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?’”
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, “No, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.” :-)
Have A Great Day!
Friday, June 4, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
A redneck was stopped by a SCDNR game warden at Lake Hartwell recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'
'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'
'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.'
'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'
'OK', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'
'Well, what?', says the redneck.
The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'
'Call who back?'
'The FISH', replied the warden!
'What fish?', replied the redneck. ..................... ;-)
Have A Great Day!
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
#10. A little rain doesn't spoil the fishing...
#9. You carry your front porch with you...
#8. You wear a shirt like this for your engagement picture...
#7. Your wedding picture looked like this.
#4. Your pickup looks like this...
#3. You have a deer's butt for a door bell...
And the #1 indicator that you might just be a redneck is........
Hope you enjoyed these :-)
Have A Great Day!