Monday, May 9, 2011

Puns For The Slightly Educated...

Warning! Some of these are real groaners... :-)



King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the
Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate,he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said,
"I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars
for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."


2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were
avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were
destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know For whom the Tells
bowled.


3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor!
I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle
down. You'll just have to be a little patient."


4. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- He who has a Tate's is lost!


5. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."


6. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."


7. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and
found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."


8. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.
All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy.
The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This
just goes to prove that... The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal
to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one.) ;-)


9. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk
remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the
leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of
constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."


10. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered
dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of
seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out
and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with:
Transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

Hope you enjoyed these... :-)
Have A Great Day!
Seeya,
OregonArtGuy

6 comments:

fred carter said...

In ancient times, there was a village. Near the village was an abbey where the monks grew man eating plants. Although they were warned, the local children would often play there, and many times, fewer returned than went out.

After a while, the villagers grew weary of this and asked Hugh, the village blacksmith, to help. Hugh went out, had a talk with the monks, and the problems ceased.

The moral of this story: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Adam said...

These literally made me groan. I wish I had a a good comeback, but I don't. These were real PUNishment ;)

Bunky02 said...

This is some funny stuff here . I also love the music for sure well done my man well done!

OregonArtGuy said...

Thanks Fred - Good one :-) Sorry for the late response.....

OregonArtGuy said...

Thanks Adam - Sorry for the late response..... and thePUNishment ;-)

OregonArtGuy said...

Thank you Frank! Thanks for stoppin' by!!