Tuesday, July 28, 2009

NEW OFFICE POLICY - Effective Immediately....

In an effort to survive in these tough economic times, our company is implementing some new policies to help cut expenses - we're certain that you will embrace and applaud these policy changes as a positive step toward that goal:

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
1) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
2) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
3) Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

I'm sure glad I don't work anymore......
Have a Great Day!


Artist Unplugged said...

Thanks.....I got more than a few chuckles after reading these policies!!! Love the dandelion shots.....

OregonArtGuy said...

AU: Thanks Teresa! I thoght they were pretty funny too! :-}

Cris, Artist in Oregon said...

Hmm Now I know why people go postal in the work place. LOL
Hope you are holding up under this heat. . . or are you getting the 108 degrees we are? Water bills gonna be high... yikes.

OregonArtGuy said...

Hi Cris: 108! Bummer! Its 97 here today - we don't go out much anyway....

Heather Dugan ("Footsteps") said...

Glad I'm self-employed!! Very funny, Bill.

OregonArtGuy said...

Hi Heather: I glad I don't have to work for this company! :-} Thanks for your comment!

AVCr8teur said...

Shhh, don't let any HR dept. get a hold of this. Thanks, these are hilarious!

OregonArtGuy said...

Hi Karen: I bet your signs are at the business where these new office policies came from.....ya think? :-}

Jenn said...

These were funny!! I needed a good laugh this morning!

OregonArtGuy said...

Mornin' Jenn! - Glad you got a chuckle to start the day :-)

Matt Brown said...

So true! I think I worked for this company once!