Puns For The Slightly Educated...

Warning! Some of these are real groaners... :-)



King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the
Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate,he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said,
"I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars
for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."


2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were
avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were
destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know For whom the Tells
bowled.


3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor!
I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle
down. You'll just have to be a little patient."


4. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- He who has a Tate's is lost!


5. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."


6. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."


7. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and
found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."


8. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.
All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy.
The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This
just goes to prove that... The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal
to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one.) ;-)


9. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk
remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the
leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of
constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."


10. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered
dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of
seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out
and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with:
Transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

Hope you enjoyed these... :-)
Have A Great Day!
Seeya,
OregonArtGuy

New Merger Pending.... :-)

This just in : YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook are going to merge. The NEW company will be called...are you ready for this?









"You-Twit-Face"

Perfect!!! ;-)

Have A Great Day!
Seeya,
OregonArtGuy

North Dakota Weather :-)

Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in northern North Dakota near the Canadian border.

She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.
The temperature has dropped below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.
Her husband does nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.


She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let him in. ;-)

Have A Great Day!
Seeya,
OregonArtGuy

IRONY...It's All Around Us...Enjoy :-)

Have A Great Day!

Seeya,

OregonArtGuy

Para WHAT???? Part one of several... :-)

- Paraprosdokian -

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists. Groucho Marx was a master at these - like this one: "I once shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in there, I'll never know." I hope you enjoy these! ;-)

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.



Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.


The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.


If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.


We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.


Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.


How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.


Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".?!


I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.


Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.


You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive again.


The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!


Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.


I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.


Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.


There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.


You're never too old to learn something stupid.

I'll see if I can scare up some more...I LOVE these!!! ;-)

Have A Great Day!
Seeya,
OregonArtGuy

Just When You Thought All The Good Ideas Were Taken....(Part 2 of 2)

 

I think that last one really holds some promise... ;-)

Have A Great Day!

Seeya,

OregonArtGuy

Just When You Thought All The Good Ideas Were Taken....(Part 1 of 2)

Have A Great Day!
Seeya,
OregonArtGuy

Star QuarterBack :-)

NOTE - Please don't be shocked or take offense at this post - that is not my purpose. You'll see what I mean at the end. I apologize if it causes anyone any grief - Bill

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Oakland Raiders The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.





Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.


KABOOM!


He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.


KA-BLOOEY!


Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.


BULLS-EYE!


"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"


So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl.


The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.


"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"


"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"


"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."


"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,


"I will never forgive you for making us move to Oakland !!

I hope you enjoyed this.....
Have a Great Day!
Seeya,
OregonArtGuy

World’s Best Blond Joke?

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”


The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:


1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.


2. The bouncer is a blond girl.


3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blond woman with a black belt in karate.


4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weight lifter.


5. The lady to your right is blond and a professional wrestler.


Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?’”


The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, “No, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.” :-)

Have A Great Day!
Seeya,
OregonArtGuy

New Seat Belt Law :-)

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This becomes effective April 1, 2010 .

The National Highway Safety Council has done extensive Testing on a newly Designed seat belt. Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 95%when the belt is properly installed.

Correct Installation is illustrated below.......

Please pass on to family and friends.

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THIS MAY HELP SAVE A LIFE!

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This can really save lives and lower blood pressure by 40%

Also applies to teenagers . . .

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I KNOW....YOU SMILED.

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YEAH, YOU SMILED AGAIN

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Remember, I'm ONLY the MESSENGER........ ;-)

Have A Great Day!

Seeya,

OregonArtGuy

Former Log Truck Driver Finds NEW Profession :-)

The log truck driver from my last post was encouraged by the owner of the logging company to perhaps look for a different line of work. He took his former boss a little too literally and thought he meant he should still do something involving Power Lines....Since he enjoyed cutting things down so much, he thought of the perfect alternative! A win-win job - He gets to be dangerously close to power lines AND cut stuff down!

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(Click on image to enlarge)

You just can't keep a good man down!..... :-)

Have A Great Day

Seeya,

OregonArtGuy

Hello....Customer Service?........

Computer Repair:

Caller : Hi, our printer is not working.

Customer Service: What is wrong with it?

Caller : Mouse is jammed.

Customer Service: Mouse? Printers don't have a mouse you fool!

Caller: Mmmmm??.. Oh really?... I will send a picture.

Scroll down.....

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Have A Great Day!
Seeya,
OregonArtGuy

Eighth Grade Final Exam - 1895

What it took to get an 8th grade education in 1895...

Remember when grandparents and great-grandparents stated that they only had an 8th grade education? Well, check this out. Could any of us have passed the 8th grade in 1895?
This is the eighth-grade final exam from 1895 in Salina , Kansas . It was taken from the original document on file at the Smokey Valley Genealogical Society and Library in Salina , and reprinted by the Salina Journal.

8th Grade Final Exam: Salina , Kansas – 1895

Grammar
(Time, one hour)

1. Give nine rules for the use of capital letters.
2. Name the parts of speech and define those that have no modifications.
3. Define verse, stanza and paragraph
4. What are the principal parts of a verb? Give principal parts of 'lie,''play,' and 'run.'
5. Define case; illustrate each case.
6. What is punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of punctuation.
7. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.

Arithmetic
(Time, 1 hour 15 minutes)

1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 feet deep, 10 feet long, and 3 feet wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3,942 lbs., what is it worth at 50 cents/bushel, deducting 1,050 lbs. for tare?
4. District No. 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find the cost of 6,720 lbs. of coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. What is the cost of 40 boards which measure 12 inches wide and 16 ft. long at $20 per meter?
8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance of which is 640 rods?
10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt.

U.S. History
(Time, 45 minutes)

1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided.
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus .
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States .
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas .
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton , Bell , Lincoln , Penn, and Howe?
8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800, 1849, 1865

Orthography
(Time, one hour)
[Do we even know what this is?]

1. What is meant by the following: alphabet, phonetic, orthography, etymology, syllabication
2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?
3. What are the following, and give examples of each: trigraph, subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals.
4. Give four substitutes for caret ‘u’. (HUH?)
5. Give two rules for spelling words with final ‘e’. Name two exceptions under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: bi, dis-mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, sup.
8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
9. Use the following correctly in sentences: cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane, vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.
10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication..

Geography
(Time, one hour)

1. What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas ?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of North America .
5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia , Odessa , Denver , Manitoba , Hecla , Yukon , St. Helena, Juan Fernandez, Aspinwall, and Orinoco
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the United States . Name all the republics of Europe and give the capital of each.
7. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
8. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.
9. Describe the movements of the earth. Give the inclination of the earth.

Notice that this exam took FIVE HOURS to complete.

Gives the saying “He only had an 8th grade education” a whole new meaning, doesn’t it? This also is a perfect demonstration pointing out how poor our education system has become.

And, NO - I don’t have the answers… I don’t even understand most of the questions! This may explain why I spent 4 years in the 6th Grade..... :-)


Have A Great Day
Seeya,

OregonArtGuy

Seniors on a Road Trip

Seniors On A Road Trip - AKA - My Wife and I on a Road Trip! :-)

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the Restaurant and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn’t miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her: “While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card!” :-)

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Yep - that's me and the wife - getting older is fun isn't it? :-)

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Have A Great Day!

Seeya,

OregonArtguy

Honey, did we pay the insurance?

1. I could have sworn I hit the brake pedal!
Car upside down in the bay. See the guy standing on it??
Call out the wrecker!


2. Coming back up...coming...coming....



3. Coming.....almost there!


4. Ooops!



5. I could have sworn I set the brakes on that truck!
Time to get a Bigger Wrecker!


6?. OK, Bigger Wrecker is here.

7. Ok, we got the car...let's get the other wrecker now!

8. Oo! ohhh No!

Who's gonna explain THIS one to the insurance guys?

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SEE... your day wasn't so bad after all... :-}

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Have A Great Day!

Seeya,

OregonArtGuy

English Language......

-The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
-As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
-In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
-There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
-In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
-By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ets oza.
-Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
-If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl..... :-}

Hav A Grat Da !
Seeya,
OregonArtGuy

The Power Of The Badge....

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......





With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge. Show him your BADGE ! "

Hope it worked.....:-}

Have A Great Day!

Seeya,

OregonArtGuy

A Senior Moment.......

Dallas Morning News..... A senior moment ... at 48, David McClure teaches science and coaches at Faubion Middle School in McKinney. He is also a Teacher Voices volunteer columnist.$5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bueno said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount." I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet a mere child! Senior citizen? I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Emo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me? I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile. Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler? "Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!" I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard. Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle. Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found. I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits. Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake." I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized. She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time." All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast. As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky. The good news was I had successfully found my way home...........
Have A Great Day!
Seeya,
OregonArtGuy

WHEN GRANDMA GOES TO COURT

I thought this was pretty good - hope you like it! :

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi Grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”
Again she replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.” :-}

Have a Great Day!
Seeya,
OregonArtGuy

There - I Fixed It!......Part Four

This Post is dedicated to the 'King' of fix it - Red Green.....enjoy:

(Click on images to enlarge)

(pictures courtesy "There I Fixed It")

Don't try these at home - these people are professionals.....

Have A Great Day!

Seeya,

OregonArtGuy