Star QuarterBack :-)

NOTE - Please don't be shocked or take offense at this post - that is not my purpose. You'll see what I mean at the end. I apologize if it causes anyone any grief - Bill

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Oakland Raiders The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.





Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.


KABOOM!


He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.


KA-BLOOEY!


Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.


BULLS-EYE!


"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"


So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl.


The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.


"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"


"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"


"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."


"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,


"I will never forgive you for making us move to Oakland !!

I hope you enjoyed this.....
Have a Great Day!
Seeya,
OregonArtGuy

Seniors on a Road Trip

Seniors On A Road Trip - AKA - My Wife and I on a Road Trip! :-)

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the Restaurant and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn’t miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her: “While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card!” :-)

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Yep - that's me and the wife - getting older is fun isn't it? :-)

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Have A Great Day!

Seeya,

OregonArtguy

The Power Of The Badge....

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......





With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge. Show him your BADGE ! "

Hope it worked.....:-}

Have A Great Day!

Seeya,

OregonArtGuy

A Senior Moment.......

Dallas Morning News..... A senior moment ... at 48, David McClure teaches science and coaches at Faubion Middle School in McKinney. He is also a Teacher Voices volunteer columnist.$5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bueno said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount." I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet a mere child! Senior citizen? I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Emo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me? I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile. Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler? "Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!" I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard. Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle. Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found. I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits. Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake." I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized. She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time." All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast. As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky. The good news was I had successfully found my way home...........
Have A Great Day!
Seeya,
OregonArtGuy

WHEN GRANDMA GOES TO COURT

I thought this was pretty good - hope you like it! :

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi Grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”
Again she replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.” :-}

Have a Great Day!
Seeya,
OregonArtGuy

NEW OFFICE POLICY - Effective Immediately....

In an effort to survive in these tough economic times, our company is implementing some new policies to help cut expenses - we're certain that you will embrace and applaud these policy changes as a positive step toward that goal:

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
1) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
2) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
3) Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Regards,
The Management

I'm sure glad I don't work anymore......
Have a Great Day!
Seeya,
OregonArtGuy

Why Men Should NEVER Shop For Their Wives.....

A young man from Wisconsin moved to Florida and applied for a job at a huge everything-under-one-roof department store.
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During the brief interview the store manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man replied, "Yeah, I was a salesman back in Wisconsin. I worked at a car dealership, a general department store and I also sold real estate."
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The manager took a liking to the young man and gave him a job saying, "You can start tomorrow. Be here by 9:00 in the morning and ask to speak with Tom Barnes. He is the assistant store manager and he will show you what you need to do. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." With that they shook hands and parted ways.
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After the store closed and the doors were locked up , the boss went to see how the young man's first day had gone. After looking all over the store, the manager finally found the young man sitting on a box in the stockroom, hunched over and looking exhausted.
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"How was your first day, son?" he asked.
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"It was difficult learning about all the departments and products you sell here sir," The young man replied.
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Then the manager asked, "How many sales did you make today, son?"
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The young man replied, "Only one."
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The manager then asked, "Well, how many customers did you talk to?"
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Once again, he replied, "Only one."
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The manager responded, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day! How much was the sale for?"
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"$101,237.65," he replied.
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"$101,237.65!" exclaimed the manager. "What the heck did you sell?"
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The young man responded, "First, I sold the man a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I so ld him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod, reel and a whole tackle box full of lures and stuff. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I explained to him that if he was going to the coast, he was going to need a boat. We went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine fishing boat. After that, he said he didn't think his Honda Civic could pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him a 4x4 Expedition."
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The store manager, with a look of astonishment on his face proclaimed, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
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"No sir!" The young man said. "He came in to buy tampons for his wife. While I was showing him where the tampons were, I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing."
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The moral of the story.....Well - you get the idea.... :-}
Have a Great Weekend!
Seeya,
OregonArtGuy

Ole and Lena....

Ole and Lena, a truly devoted couple----
Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew, and, soon people from all over the country were coming to him in Minnesota for paintings and formal portraits. One day while Ole was mowing the lawn, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request.. The beautiful lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay him $50,000. Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife Lena, Ole asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with, his missus. In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, "Ya, shoor, you betcha. I'll paint ya in da nude , but I'll haff ta leave my socks on so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."

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Have a Great Day!

Seeya,

OregonArtGuy!

It's All About Wives....

· My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
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· My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

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· A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong .

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· I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."I asked her, "Where's the car?"She replied, "In the lake."

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· The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

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· I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

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· My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.So I got myself two girlfriends.

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· Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

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· A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

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· A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."The next day he received a hundred letters.They all said the same: "You can have mine."

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· It's not true that married men live longer than single men.It only seems longer.

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· Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

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· A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.The man thinks for a moment and says, Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."

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Have a Great Day!

Seeya,

OregonArtGuy

"Home Alone"...

Here is a cute little story I thought you might enjoy:

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It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home alone with her 3-year old daughter Katelyn. When Heidi started going into labor,she called "911." Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently,Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while Connor was born.The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yearold what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled inthere in the first place. Spank him again!" :-}

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Have a Graeat Day!

Seeya,

OregonArtGuy

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